Subconsciously or consciously, how often do you find
yourself apologizing? You slightly bump into a
stranger and you mutter a ‘sorry.’ A coworker
interrupts you, and yet, you find yourself stammering
to apologize first. Or, perhaps just as frequently, you
find yourself talking about a bad date and when you
feel like your friend has had enough, you quickly
quiet yourself, say you’re ‘sorry for venting’ and move
on.
It’s a habit that many women (and men) are guilty of
and one that’s difficult to break. Continuously
shaming yourself doesn’t help build your confidence,
and often times can be unattractive to possible
boyfriends or girlfriends who are looking for a
partner, not someone who can’t hold their own.
While it might not feel like it’s in your nature to stand
up, speak up, and be proud of your opinions,
convictions, and emotions, chances are, your date
will be impressed with your willingness to be open,
vulnerable, and honest about how you think and feel.
In my past several years of being single and going on
(way too many) dates, it’s taken me a lot of time (and
wine) to finally figure out how to be brave enough to
be myself. And while I haven’t met that right person
yet, I have learned how to have courage and to stop
apologizing for these things:


1. I’M NOT SORRY THAT I EXPECT YOU TO COMUNICATE.
Online dating can wear on anyone – there’s constant
back-and-forth exchanges, but very little face-to-face
time to genuinely get to know someone. There’s also
many messages to weed through that can be boring,
rude or just plain ridiculous. For a while, I would
always step up and speed up the conversation
myself, oftentime apologizing for being so forward.
The funny thing? Men never cared that I carried the
conversation, but I did. In a future partner, I really
want someone who is not only a talker, but that can
ask interesting questions, have meaningful decisions,
and hopefully, teach me a thing or two from his own
wealth of wisdom. I’m not sorry that I want a
communicator – I’m sorry I ever thought I could
settle for less than that.

2. I’M NOT SORRY THAT I HAVE DEAL BREAKERS.
Over the years, due to age and to what I’ve
experienced in the dating world, my deal breakers
have changed. I’ve become lenient on certain things,
while other qualities matter much more to me than
they did when I was in my early 20s. But oftentimes
when a friend or family member asks you, ‘What was
wrong with that guy?’ and you give them an answer
as simple as, ‘The chemistry wasn’t there’ – they
always raise an eyebrow.
For better or for worse, not being attracted to
someone – regardless if that’s based on height,
mannerisms, voice or a million other things – is just
as important as their personality. And well, if it’s a big
deal to you to be with someone who is ambitious or
loving or has a great family, that’s fine. I’m no longer
apologizing for being ‘too picky’ or ‘having too high of
standards’ because I’m not and I don’t. I simply know
what I want, and I know when it’s there or not. After
all, practice makes perfect and dating is something
I’ve definitely been working hard at.


3. I’M NOT SORRY FOR BEING HONEST
Yeah, I used to laugh at jokes that I thought were
inappropriate, condescending or crude. And sure, I
used to just go along with the conversation, even if I
disagreed. I would bite my tongue to
avoid confrontation, but now? I’m excited to share,
unafraid to argue and convicted in my beliefs. If a
date says something that I find offensive, I will
politely call them out on it. If I really don’t want to
split the cheese-and-meat platter, I’ll pass. If I don’t
want to have another drink because I’m not
interested, I won’t have one to save his feelings. I not
only value my time (and my date’s time), but I know
what I’m worth and I know that pretending to be
attracted when I’m not, will only end in more
disappointment than it’s worth.


4. I’M NOT SORRY THAT I STILL WANT ROMANCE
Now, you can skip the rose petals and the soft music
with candles dimly lit in the background. But kind,
thoughtful gestures – like opening the door for me –
they’re still important. While the digital age and the
generation of getting-what-we-want-when-we-want-it
has made us all invested in an instant-gratification
mantra, the reality is that there is still something sexy
about mystery and romance. You could Google me
and know everything, you could take me to the place
with the most Yelp stars, or you could actually take
the time to get to know me and not be afraid to
express how you feel. To me, that willingness and
those gentlemanly acts are the things that will make
me feel connected and appreciated. And yes, in the
mood, too.


5. I’M NOT SORRY THAT I WANT REAL LOVE
The truth is, if I really wanted just any ‘ole boyfriend,
I would have had a dozen by now. There have been
plenty of fine guys, okay men, and dudes that likely
would have wanted to be exclusive…but I would also
be bored out of my mind. So many friends have given
me a hard time or questioned if I would ever find a
guy to hold my attention, but I’m not worried (most
of the time). I would rather have the opportunity to
meet someone special than to waste time with a
fleeting relationship. There is so much of the world to
see, so many adventures to have, and so many things
to learn without being tied down to someone you
don’t actually want to build a life with.
I’m not sorry for holding out for the big love and I
won’t apologize for who I am. And one day, there will
be a man who is glad I took a stand against ‘sorry.’